I’m watching the goofiest documentary in the world. Area 51: Fact or Fiction?
The only good thing I can say about it is that nobody ever mentions the word “aliens.” Aside from that, though, it’s just as relentlessly goofy as if they had.
It’s all about Area 51, and a brave quintet of investigators who are out to find out … well, it’s not clear what they’re out to find, but it will be a Tremendously Risky and Documentary-Worthy Adventure, let me tell you!
It all starts out (and ends) with a simulated zoom-down from orbit to a detailed map … outside of Salt Lake City.
Well, never mind that. We know Area 51 is in the Nevada Desert. We’re told so. We’re never told it’s actually part of Nellis Air Force Base, and known more formallly as Groom Lake AFB, but that makes it all the spooker.
See, Area 51 is a deep, dark, secret installation that the government denies exists … except for the signs that say, “GOVERNMENT INSTALLATION … STAY OUT … THIS MEANS YOU …” .. . and the fact that the base is acknowledged as an aircraft test center. And everyone seems to know exactly where it is. But aside from that, it’s shrouded in secrecy. Except for all the jets you can see taking off there, and things like that. But it’s secret! It’s evil! Who knows what’s happening there? My God, We Must Find Out!
So, as they set up watchposts outside the fence, they’re sure that they, too, are being watched. As they set up radio monitors, they’re being monitored, too. They think they are, at least … so it must be so. And what sort of terrible loose cannon government installation would watch and monitor people watching and monitoring them? There must be something awful going on there!
They see a jet flying overhead at high speed — ooooh, is it … anti-gravity? Well, no, but there might be anti-gravity experiments going on there, because that would be so cool, and confirm that the government is keeping Deep Dark Secrets … so it must be the case!
Oh, wait, that’s an MiG-29. Oooooh … how high-tech! Why would anyone be flying a MiG-29? It’s not like there are MiGs in use anywhere in the world. It’s not like MiG radar and guidance systems aren’t in use anywhere, either. What deep, dark secret does this reveal?!
And, look! A B-2 bomber! How top-top secret! Nobody’s ever seen one of those before! Those rat bastards!
Hey, wait, we just found … motion sensors … outside the base grounds … in the open wild desert. Wow, imagine that. How … irresponsible and Big Brotherly! I mean, these are public lands that anybody might be walking along — a few dozen miles from anywhere except the base … and, well, hell, motion sensors, that’s as bad as, say, someone sniping at you! The nerve!
And there are signs — warning signs if you can believe it! — along the base property line! We must blow the whistle on this place, we must!
And there are … rumors … terrible rumors that people who crossed the line that says, “People who cross this line will get arrested” were, in fact, arrested. And their cameras taken. And they were interrogated. And … and … released! Good Lord! Won’t anyone do something about this?
One of the guys goes off to a Denver satellite photography firm, and gets satellite photos of the base. Whoa! What a break-through! Surely nobody’s ever done that before! And surely the Evil Government Conspiracy — which built that satellite technology — is unprepared for it, and is leaving Proof Positive of Evil, Nefarious Plots out in the open, thinking they are safe from prying eyes.
We never see anything particularly revealing about the satellite photos, mind you, but, well … um … they sure are … uh … cool!
(Never mind that the such pictures have been taken before — and that, heck, Microsoft Flight Simulator has a map built in of Area 51, based on such photos.)
And when Joe-Bob goes to the TV news with the story of the pictures he’s been taking of the place and all the Deep Dark Secrets he’s sure are there … well, they’re shocked — shocked, I tell you — to find out that that the FBI is suddenly interested in him, and executes a search warrent on his place. Despite mentions of “men in black” and “Big Brother,” it’s not quite clear why the FBI, the military, the local police wouldn’t be interested in folks who climb up nearby mountains and watch the base with telescopes, or camp outside the fence with radio frequency monitors, but … well … surely it’s a sign of Something Awful Going On!.
And when they track down the airline terminal at McCarren International where Area 51 employees board to commute to the site (presenting it as an amazing investigative breakthrough, never before discovered), and then park outside the gate and watch and photograph vehicles going in and out … they’re shocked — shocked, I tell you, to find that the gate guard is watching them, that a Las Vegas PD vehicle drives by them, that a helicopter (imagine, at an airport) flies over them!
They barely escape before something dire happens … or starts to happen … or might happen … or …
That’s the tone of the whole show. Breathless hyperbole. They never actually do all that much, but they do enough to attract attention from security )(which, as a tax payer, I’m pleased to see). Security never does much of anything but watch them, but even that is somehow made … ominous. Mysterious. Proof Positive of Deep Dark Stuff that they they feel is confirmed because, well, they remain convinced of it and nothing is proven otherwise, so it must be true.
“And why, with all the employees, that work there, has nobody ever come forward to discuss what’s going on there?”
Well, maybe because they have clearance, and have sworn an oath or signed papers promising that they, well, won’t talk. Isn’t that what most people would expect from folks doing top secret defense work? Well, maybe, except for folks doing Evil top secret defense work!
“It’s phenomenal how well-kept the secret is!”
Well, yeah — assuming there’s a secret worth telling.
The climax of the show comes when they covertly track an SUV that leaves the air terminal and drives back home. They pursue it down city streets! They park across the street! Ooooh! Cars parked in the drive way! Garage open! They knock on the door …!
And … amazingly … the person won’t talk with them! Oh My God! What Horrific Secrets are being kept there! What Terrible, Terrible Things is the government keeping from us, as proven by someone who works on classified stuff at a military based not being willing to talk to a private investigator and camera crew that shows up at his house!
No, wait. that’s not the climax — it’s when they somehow track down a (they claim) former employee, who (they say) speaks, anonymously, backlit, voice masked, name not given …
And what secrets were revealed? Oooooh … the base has high security inside! Calls home were monitored! Experimental aircraft were tested there! It was classified stuff! Ooooooh!
Oh, and “absolute power corrupts” and lives are endangered, and the folks there are exposed to vague dangers … pressures to complete projects … possible corner-cutting … My God! What are they doing there? Why has this never come out before?
And if you complain and buck authority, the disgruntled former employee notes, they fire you! Fire you! The nerve! The arrogance! The humanity!
And “Mister X” thinks Congress should investigate. Imagine! I’m stunned that black-jacketed snipers didn’t gun him down then and there?
In the final analysis of the documentary, what’s proven? They’re conclusion: “Area 51 is operational.” No! Say it ain’t so!
And there’s speculative questioning as to why, why, with the end of the Cold War and all, secrecy at Area 51 there has (allegedly) grown tighter. What are they hiding!
Why keep it secret? Is it for National Security? “Or for more nefarious activities?” Maybe they should find the base commander and ask if he still beats his wife? Who knows what dirt they might uncover?
My respect for The “Learning” Channel just tanked.
