Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice:  How do I close the sale with some guy who's rejecting my fabulous offer to drop the $18,000 of services down to $13,000, just because he "says" he doesn't actually have anywhere near $13,000 in his budget this year for this sort of stuff? 

Signed, Longing to Close in Conshohocken 

Dear Longing:  Don't listen to little plaintive cries of "I can't afford it, my boss would kill me, can I see an a la carte list of services so I can price just what it is I need."  That way madness (and lower end-of-year bonuses) lies!  And who really uses "a la carte" in a business conversation anyway?  Stupid liberal arts majors, that's who.  Which means he doesn't  really understand numbers.  So, instead, divide the cost into three smaller payments -- never mind that doesn't actually address the overall budget problem.  If that fails, suggest ways he can hide the expenditure from his boss and clients.  Oh, and when nothing else works, distract him by minimizing the presentation you're showing him online so that he can see your sales contact system up on the screen and see exactly what other folks in the organization are ordering, who's been talked to, and how out-of-date your info is on the company.  It's a lead-pipe cinch you'll walk away with a sale!  (Or, perhaps, with just a lead pipe, suitable for catching a Clue.)

Signed,
Mr. Unsolicited Advice.

Filed under :: Big Business :: Job Jollies :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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Dear Mr Unsolicited Advice:  How can I really impress my clients to spend a whole truckload of money on my professional project research service?  Signed, Consulting in Conshohocken

Dear CC, there is one sure-fire way to impress a client:

1. Schedule a half-hour call.
2. Start the call with a promise that the call will last just 20 minutes or so.
3. Be about two-thirds done with your presentation when the bottom of  the hour arrives.

If you really want to leave them with a zinger, be sure and sound hurt and surprised when they tell you they have another call that they really, truly, honestly have to get to -- and then try to drag out the conversation further.

This will show, of course that you respect your clients, can be relied upon to produce in a timely fashion, and that you are in touch with what's going on around you, all of which are key factors in any successful research service.  Good luck, CC!

-- Mr. Unsolicited Advice

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Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice - How do I minimize signal to noise in a company e-mail conversation thread?  Signed, Inboxer in Irvine

Dear Inboxer,

When raising a question of some sort -- the more esoteric, technical, obscure, or specialized, the better -- be sure an include as many groups and distribution lists from your company's mail system as possible, so as to maximize the eyeballs who see the message, on the off chance that one of them might know something about it.  Be creative in choosing distribution lists from your company's address book -- "Corporate Execs" should have the answers to your questions, right?  And "Everyone - Dubai" means you can draw on the talents of everyone in the Dubai office.  And you wouldn't want to discriminate against the folks in "SQLServer Users Outage Notification" list , even if your question is about Oracle access; can't we all just get along?  And don't bother to look at the membership lists of those distribution lists; if the individuals there don't want unnecessary e-mail in their inboxes, they can tell you so!

Which brings us to the next part of the equation.  If you get a couple of emails in a thread that doesn't interest you at all, or that you think doesn't apply to you, don't simply delete them.  That's being rude and cutting off communication unilaterally!  Instead, send a Reply All to the entire CC list on the e-mail thread, asking to be taken out of the conversation.  It doesn't matter if only a couple of folks have actually been conversing so far; the rest of the recipients will want to know you don't want to hear from them, either.  And if you've seen someone else in the thread do this, don't be shy but join the club by doing  a Reply All of your own to get your name off the list, too.  Whatever you do, don't look to see who are the recipients of the Reply All message, or consider whether they, too, really want to see your "Take me off this thread!" message; if they don't, they'll Reply All to tell you back.

At which point we're at the third facet of decreasing signal to noise.  If you're really annoyed by people doing Reply All messages asking to be taken off of an over-involved e-mail thread they shouldn't have been on in the first place, be sure and send an Reply All telling them that people sending a Reply All is getting really annoying.  This is especially effective if several other people have been complaining about it.   You can really up the emotional content (and thus minimize the signal even further) by combining a group chide for overuse of Reply All to a request to be taken off the thread.  Hilarity will ensue!

Hope this helps. 

-- Mr. Unintended Advice

PS - Using ALL CAPS in your Reply All message gives a zesty and fresh zing to your otherwise repetitive message!

Filed under :: Hi-Tech :: Job Jollies :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice --

How can I not be hired by Dave? Here I have an opportunity to look like the perfect candidate for a critical job opening he has, and all I want to know is how I can blow it, big time!

Sincerely,
Seeking to Not Work for Dave

Dear Seeking,

Dave is a really nice guy, and certainly he likes to get positions filled that he has open, especially these days. There's all sorts of ways to win him over, but it takes a truly special, stand-out candidate to blow what should be the easiest sale of the century.

1. Apply for something you have no experience in. Not even as a "growth" or "stretch" sort of job advancement. Like, "I change tapes on mainframes all day long, which is why I think I'm the PeopleSoft Implementation Director you need. Um ... that's a software program, isn't it?" Dave loves getting resumes that make no sense, because he has nothing better to do with his time.
2. Demonstrate that you really don't understand what he's talking about -- or what you're talking about. If you're a development manager being asked about "project management methodologies," be sure and quote your favorite quip from the 60-Second Manager or some other generic hot-business-book-of-the-week piece of truistic dreck. Dave loves truistic dreck from the remainders bin.
3. Conversely, throw around a lot of technical buzz words and acronyms. Be sure and say things like, "Well, I prefer the XML-oriented middleware that can be instanced with Ajax with SOAP and is deployed via Linux-based applets," especially when he asks you about customer satisfaction measures or other fuzzy "business" stuff. Not only does Dave love to see people who care more about technology than client needs, but he loves being reminded how badly eroded his own technical chops are.
4. Assuming you understand them, don't answer the questions he gives that you don't want to answer. Be vague. Redirect to something you want to talk about. Do this as many times as it takes to get him to drop the question. He loves being evaded, and being unsure if it's stupidity or just being a politician (or both).
5. Be pushy. Dave especially loves to hear about how you're a hot commodity and liable to be snatched up by another employer any second now unless he acts Right Now. This reminds him of car haggling, which is, of course, one of his favorite activities.

Do one, two, or even three of the above, and you'll be guaranteed a lack of job with Dave! Have fun!

Regards,
Mr. Unsolicited Advice

Filed under :: Job Jollies :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice:

I'm an executive in a large corporation, and I issue memos by the bushel, but I'm told that nobody reads them! How can I justify my big salary if people don't read my memos? Can you tell me how to add spice to my business correspondence without actually changing the subject matter or writing style of my pearls of wisdom?

Sincerely, Executing in Emporia

Dear Executing,

I have just the thing for you. Assuming you, like 99% of the folks out there, use Microsoft Word for your memo writing, be sure and turn on the Track Changes feature on all you documents (there's probably some way to set it to be turned on by default, but I will leave that as an exercise for the student). This will let you keep track of what edits you make to your policies and memoranda and client letters and the like, which is especially useful for particularly thorny or politically sensitive subjects that you want to collaborate on with other executives, or send around for comments.

How, do you ask, will this make people read your writing more diligently? Simple: just don't choose Accept Changes before you electronically send out the memos. That way, not only will people see what you intended to send out (the dull, boring, politically polished bits), but they'll see all the stuff and names and ideas that got deleted, scrubbed, rephrased, and otherwise made more palatable in the final product, simply by changing their view to "Final with Markup."

In the video game industry, these sorts of "hidden features" are called Easter Eggs, and they always provoke lots of interest amongst players in finding them. By putting these "Easter Eggs" into your Word documents, you can provide hours of entertainment to your employees, who will then pore over your every word to see what you said compared what you originally intended to say before someone pointed out you really can't say that in a publicly distributed memo!

Hope this helps!

Sincerely, Mr. Unsolicited Advice

Filed under :: Hi-Tech :: Job Jollies :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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Yes, it's time again for Mr. Unsolicited Advice's Guide to Making Me Feel Bad About Turning Down That Free Trade Journal Subscription!

1. Argue with me about it! Yes, if I've told you that I really don't want another trade journal cluttering my desk, be sure and insist that, no, I really do, expecially yours, because it's just so darn keen! Doubtless I'll be swayed by your rhetoric and change my mind.

2. Sulk! When I tell you I really am not interested but thank you very much, be sure and let your voice suddenly lose all the enthusiasm and bonhomie that it had mere seconds ago. I'll either feel guilty or intimidated, but no doubt I'll change my mind.

3. Promise me it will just take 30 seconds to answer a few questions, then have it take four or five minutes, including asking for information that I really don't have at my fingertips and thus will skew your results when I make something up. If you're really careful you can keep me on the phone just short of the point where I'll say, "You know, never mind, forget it, thank you very much," especially if you realize I'm not someone to hang up on a caller, no matter how obnoxious.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from Mr. Unsolicited Advice, who's busy right now throwing away trade journals that he hasn't read and isn't likely to so why lug them down to his new office, eh?

Filed under :: Job Jollies :: Media :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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Warning #1: You can never be quite sure who you're talking to on the Internet.

Warning #2: If you meet someone on an Internet chat or dating site that seems to be amazingly compatible with you, perhaps it's ... genetics.

Warning #3: If you get caught up in the immediate shock of discovering that your computer date partner of six months was, unexpectedly to both of you until you showed up for a real date, your own mother, and a cop wanders up and tries to cite you for being on a beach after curfew, don't blurt the whole thing out to the cop, such that it will get written up and splashed all over the newspapers ...

This has been a public service announcement from Mr. Unsolicited Advice.

(via Randy)

Filed under :: Love and Marriage :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice:

How can I give that down-home just-plain-folks feel to my catalog collection in this age of cold, impersonal, eCommerce stuff?

-- Vexed in Virginia

Dear Vexed, I'm glad you asked. The big problem you face is that expectations for perfect, quick, easy catalog ordering have risen to unprecedented levels. If you want to harken back to an older era, your only choice is to add imperfections to your system -- preferably a lot of them. This will build interpersonal ties between your firm and your possible (or former) customers that will be something to be proud of.

So, for example, if you have a website, make sure it's flaky as all hell. While the ideal is to have it lose everything when you go to actually submit an order, you can also get a lot of mileage from having someone merely trying to go to your main page come up with a message like, "Warning: mysql_connect(): Lost connection to MySQL server during query in ./includes/functions/database.php on line 19. Unable to connect to database server!"

Of course, you have a phone number in your catalog, but that doesn't mean a commitment to actually answering the phone. When someone calls that number, make sure you tell them in pleasant tones that you're open from 9-to-5 on weekdays, and please call back then. Inaccessibility is the key to success in the old business era, and you'll have it in spades.

Make sure, though, you don't actually tell them what time zone you're in. That might actually let them plan on when to call you! Instead, just say "9-to-5" and let them dedicate their lunch hour to the prospect of getting hold of you! Remember, if they make an effort to reach out to you, even after that, it's a customer relationship that will survive anything.

Yes, follow a strategy like that, and folks will know that, even in this tech-savvy world of ours, there are still people willing to go the extra mile to make sure they can't.

Filed under :: Big Business :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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Mr. Unsolicited Advice is a new feature here at Dave Does the Blog, even though Dave will eventually retcon some previous entries to use him. We hope you enjoy this new feature, and don't forget to tip your waiters.

Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice,

What's the best way to really impress my wife with my L33T HAXX0R tech support skills?

Sincerely, Oafish in Ohio

Be sure, when upgrading software on your wife's PC, to ignore any open documents she has in other windows, and let them be lost when you inevitably reboot the system. Not only will this devil-may-care attitude really catch her attention afterward, but it will remove any distractions from your L33T HAXX0R preening.

Oh, if you can time it so that it happens when she's had a really crappy day after a stressful week at the office, and make sure that one or more of the documents that's open is something work-related that she'd spent substantial time earlier in the evening working on, you can rest assured that she will have many well-deserved words to express just how she feels about your efforts!

Filed under :: Love and Marriage :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice :: My Computer
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Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice,

How can Stevinson Toyota West, a local major car dealership here in the Denver metro area, make my customer service experience more noteworthy?

-- Driving in Denver

Oh, let me count the ways:

Hey, Stevinson Toyota West people, if a call is routed to your service desk, be sure not to pick it up and politely ask me to hold. Let it sit on hold for a long time, then let it roll over, ring a few times, and briefly pick it up and then immediately push the hold button again. I can hear the music interruption and the background noise while the phone is briefly off the hook, and that will assure me that someone is still alive over there.

It's also impressive if you leave me on hold long enough that I get to listen to the entire frelling jazzy Muzak-on-hold tape loop you cheaped out and bought, and hear it roll back over to the beginning.

When you hire someone to answer the phone in the service department, make sure, if you aren't going to hire enough associates to come to the phone in a timely fashion, you hire someone who isn't a trained service professional, so that they have to scramble to figure out what your problem is.

This sort of customer service strategy -- which you seem to already be taking to heart -- will not actually drive away customers who find it seriously convenient, logistically, to go to you. But it will make people glad they actually bought their car somewhere else.

Filed under :: Big Business :: Cars :: Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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